Resolving Conflict: When to Stop Being Polite
Trying to work through relationship snags can be exhausting. You
may feel you've tried everything and yet you're still stuck in the mud
with seemingly no resolution in sight. Sometimes what a conflict really
needs is some tough talk; the kind of conversation that involves lines
drawn in the sand and real consequences. But, before you do something
regretful, make sure you've tried a softer approach first.
Listen to understand. Too often when relationships are off kilter we do the right thing by asking what's wrong but then we trip up by rushing to get responses out, oftentimes before the other person has even finished speaking. Instead, let her complete her thoughts and only then should you speak with the intent to understand what she just said. Hint: ask questions!
Clean up your own backyard. Be honest about what you have done to sour the relationship. Of course you have your reasons, excuses, explanations, but spend less time talking about those and more time talking about the impact of your actions.
Give it a rest. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and even though the adage is a somewhat romantic idea it can work in everyday relationships as well. Stop talking about all the little things he's ever done to you that were hurtful. Take a minute to evaluate what's really happening between the two of you so you can process what's most upsetting, what you'd like to see change, and what you're willing to do differently.
Choose neutral words and stay calm. As satisfying as it is to make accusations, raise the volume, or to call names, just don't. Conversations are much more productive when one leaves hard-hitting and biting language at the door.
But, what if you've genuinely tried all that and you're still in a messy place? Well, it's time to be a little more obvious and a lot more blunt.
Declare that the end of the behavior has arrived. When you've had enough, let her know. However, you can only assert this if you've processed and pinpointed precisely what is most bothersome. What action is she doing (or not doing) that keeps the two of you in a negative space? Be specific, clear, and state exactly what you need to happen. By the way, saying vague and subjective things like you need her to be more respectful is not specific or clear. However, telling her that you need her to stop bringing up your mistakes in the weekly staff meetings gives her an actionable way to demonstrate that she, too, wants to move forward.
State the consequences for not complying. After you've made it clear what it is you want him to do, then state without hesitation what will happen if that action isn't taken. Sometimes it's as simple as letting him know that you will no longer sit silent when he speaks poorly of you or that you will no longer attend family functions. Whatever it is, you must be willing to keep your promise. Of course, if a person is prepared to change and try again, you should be as well.
Acknowledge that you'll be okay on your own. Share how sad and disappointed you will be if things don't work out while letting her know you are perfectly fine to move on without a relationship with her. Let her know that you will miss the positive things and give a few examples of those behaviors just in case things do work out.
Move on. Let him know you won't bring it up again and that you are prepared to keep things positive. Be forgiving of past behavior and have a plan for when (not if, but when) things go a little sideways. Acknowledge that you both will probably mess up so develop ways to help each other get back on track. Sometimes it can be as simple as agreeing to say quietly, "You're doing it" and other times you may have to head back to the drawing board. That's okay, just allow for mistakes.
By
Vivian A. Scott
Listen to understand. Too often when relationships are off kilter we do the right thing by asking what's wrong but then we trip up by rushing to get responses out, oftentimes before the other person has even finished speaking. Instead, let her complete her thoughts and only then should you speak with the intent to understand what she just said. Hint: ask questions!
Clean up your own backyard. Be honest about what you have done to sour the relationship. Of course you have your reasons, excuses, explanations, but spend less time talking about those and more time talking about the impact of your actions.
Give it a rest. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and even though the adage is a somewhat romantic idea it can work in everyday relationships as well. Stop talking about all the little things he's ever done to you that were hurtful. Take a minute to evaluate what's really happening between the two of you so you can process what's most upsetting, what you'd like to see change, and what you're willing to do differently.
Choose neutral words and stay calm. As satisfying as it is to make accusations, raise the volume, or to call names, just don't. Conversations are much more productive when one leaves hard-hitting and biting language at the door.
But, what if you've genuinely tried all that and you're still in a messy place? Well, it's time to be a little more obvious and a lot more blunt.
Declare that the end of the behavior has arrived. When you've had enough, let her know. However, you can only assert this if you've processed and pinpointed precisely what is most bothersome. What action is she doing (or not doing) that keeps the two of you in a negative space? Be specific, clear, and state exactly what you need to happen. By the way, saying vague and subjective things like you need her to be more respectful is not specific or clear. However, telling her that you need her to stop bringing up your mistakes in the weekly staff meetings gives her an actionable way to demonstrate that she, too, wants to move forward.
State the consequences for not complying. After you've made it clear what it is you want him to do, then state without hesitation what will happen if that action isn't taken. Sometimes it's as simple as letting him know that you will no longer sit silent when he speaks poorly of you or that you will no longer attend family functions. Whatever it is, you must be willing to keep your promise. Of course, if a person is prepared to change and try again, you should be as well.
Acknowledge that you'll be okay on your own. Share how sad and disappointed you will be if things don't work out while letting her know you are perfectly fine to move on without a relationship with her. Let her know that you will miss the positive things and give a few examples of those behaviors just in case things do work out.
Move on. Let him know you won't bring it up again and that you are prepared to keep things positive. Be forgiving of past behavior and have a plan for when (not if, but when) things go a little sideways. Acknowledge that you both will probably mess up so develop ways to help each other get back on track. Sometimes it can be as simple as agreeing to say quietly, "You're doing it" and other times you may have to head back to the drawing board. That's okay, just allow for mistakes.
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